1. I left Australia six years ago to travel the World and promptly lost my heart to London.
  2. I currently live in San Francisco. I miss the Tube and British banter.
  3. I’m Chino-phobic. Or anti any kind of khaki pant for that matter.
  4. My mum used to feed my brother and I lamb chops for breakfast. We turned out alright.
  5. I run marathons. My feet are not cute.
  6. When I was young I wanted to be a jockey. Or a gymnast.
  7. I’m just shy of 6 feet tall. In heels I am a giantess.
  8. The best compliment I’ve ever received is ‘I like tall blondes with funny noses’
  9. Some of the worst compliments include ‘I’ve been at half-mast since you walked it the door’ and ‘Your hair’s nice… like straw’.
  10. My last argument was with a girl in Vegas. She called me a ‘Stupid blonde Austrian bitch’.
  11. If you put all my favourite people in the World in the same room you’d be struck by how genuine they are. And hot.
  12. I have a very hard head and have been known to head-butt people when schnookered. Playfully, I like to think.
  13. One of my nicknames is Naked. It’s a long story that contains nudity.
  14. I have a thing for men with shaved heads. I’ve no idea where it comes from.
  15. I shaved my own head once. Because I could.
  16. I’d quite like to become an abseiling window-cleaner. Or at least I like to think I would.
  17. I have two cats called Abi Kitmuss and Chairman Miaow. They’re cool dudes.
  18. Although Abi Kitmuss does like to bite my feet at 5am. That I could do without.
  19. I love ugly dogs. The uglier the better. If I bought a Pug I’d call him Pugsy Malone.
  20. But if I buy a Goldendoodle I’ve promised to name him after my mate Fraser Lewry.
  21. Speaking of Mr Lewry, he recently told me my writing reminded him of Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking. So in the unlikely event someone asks you what Shoeboobies is like, tell them it’s like a 50-something-year-old recovering-alcoholic bipolar sufferer who once sported an iconic hairdo.
  22. If dogs could talk I think they’d spend a lot of time kvetching about their lack of opposable thumbs.
  23. Cupcakes and bubbles are two of my favourite things. Highbrow I ain’t.
  24. When I was a teenager I leased an Arabian horse. His great, great grandfather – a famous Polish Arab – had his own postage stamp.
  25. I used to ride my horse past the house of a boy I had a crush on. He lived in the middle of suburban Canberra, ACT. I was such a butt-munch.
  26. My current favourite insults are ‘Doodie-head’ and ‘Butt-munch’.
  27. I also use words like ‘Wowzers’, ‘Yikes’, and ‘Wah-wah-wee-wah’.
  28. When things go my way I double fist pump and say ‘Yessssss’.
  29. I’m seriously considering adding a leg pump to the above-mentioned move.
  30. People tell me I give off a ladylike vibe. I think I’m a baby giraffe.
  31. My Aunt once announced at Christmas dinner that she’d found incest in the family tree several hundred years back. Dad’s side, not Mum’s.
  32. I really need to learn how to keep that factoid to myself.
  33. My 1st grade teacher was called Poppy Masselos. She’d traveled to India and would give us bindis when we did well in school. I wanted to be her.
  34. I’m taller than my older brother. He still makes us go back-to-back. He’s 31.
  35. I can be selfish. We’re all a work in progress.
  36. I like to write bad email haiku.
  37. I have Angry Anderson’s ‘Suddenly’ – the song they played on Neighbours at Scott and Charlene’s wedding – on my iPod.
  38. I spent a night in hospital with concussion when I was six. My brother and I were riding our bikes and I remember thinking ‘I wonder what would happen if I stopped peddling…’
  39. I’m slightly phobic of men with narrow faces. I don’t want to be known as so-and-so’s big-faced girlfriend.
  40. My favourite pick up line is: Are you Jamaican? Cause you’re Jamaican me craaaaazzzzy!
  41. My favourite joke is: What did the banana say to the vibrator? ‘Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!’
  42. I was in a roller-skating precision team.
  43. I’m rubbish at crosswords, despite having a degree in writing.
  44. I once sleep-walked 3 miles home. Barefoot.
  45. My first job was at McDonald when I was 14. I quit after 4 months, telling my parents ‘I have the rest of my life to do a job I don’t like.’
  46. The women on my mother’s side live for ages. I should really sort out my pension.
  47. I watched Grease loads when I was little. As a result whenever we moved school I was always disappointed when people didn’t break out into spontaneous dance.
  48. Actually, I still think there’s no situation that can’t be improved through the medium of dance….
  49. …Particularly the running man.
  50. I prefer bartenders to band members. But that’s just me.