Shoeboobies

As I edge towards my 30^th year, there are surprisingly few things of which I am certain.

A list, you say? Well OK then.

1. Ummm…

2. Well there’s…

3. Death

*Ahem*. Can I start again?

Foot, Meet Mouth

As I hurtle cruelly towards my 30^th year, there’s only one thing of which I am certain: drop me in a social situation that calls for even a sliver of coolness and I will invariably muff it up.

There was the time I referred to myself as the ‘Nancy Drew of metrics’ during a job interview. Or the time I blew kisses at my CFO because I couldn’t decide if it was appropriate to kiss his cheek or shake his hand.

Add a cute boy to the mix and, well, I’m pretty much screwed. Picture if you will:

Shoeboobies and beau whom she thinks is The Shiz gazing adoringly into one another’s eyes as they lie on her single bed in a flat overrun by backpacking antipodeans somewhere in West London.

Shoeboobies: [Gushy sigh]

Former Beau: Oh, oh, ouch, owww.

Shoeboobies: [Alarmed but still adoring] What is it?

Former Beau: Owww, I’ve got my foot caught

Shoeboobies: [Sexily] Well, count yourself lucky if that’s the only thing you catch, Baby…

THE END

I know. Hots, right?

Which is why the thought of putting my money where my blog is and testing some of the dating tips in ‘Cosmo’s Guide to Meeting More Guys!’ (US Edition, June ’09, pg 108) has got me clenching muscles I didn’t know I had.

Let’s review the material, shall we?

‘Fresh Meet Markets’.

1. Local Campaign Headquarters

2. Long Tables at Restaurants

3. The Lunch Line at Chipotle

4. Behind the Scenes at a Big Event

5. Dodgeball or Kickball Leagues

6. Dude-Specific Book Signings

7. Sneaker Boutiques

8. Bike Co-ops

Hmmm. Which to choose? Alas, 1,4, 5, and 6 are out as they involve pre-planning.

2’s also a no-go – I am lanky of leg and inevitably flash my undercrackers when attempting to sit at long tables.

Chipotle? And say what? ‘Did you know that burrito has over 1,000 calories?’ (Knowing me, yes.)

By the process of elimination it’ll have to be 8: A bike co-op. Where, according to Cosmo, I should ‘ask a cutie there to show [me] a nearby trail.’

Wish me luck!

Ummm, one last thing… What’s a Bike Co-Op?

My brother, upon hearing about my new bloggity-blog-blog… blog, told me that all future conversations are strictly off the record.

I’m almost certain he meant starting tomorrow…

Seems you say ‘blog about dating’ and boys hear ‘means by which to virtually grab hold of a man’s testes and ram them firmly up his left nostril, via the colon.’ Or something.

So I’d like to take this opportunity to briefly outline what Shoeboobies is. And what it ain’t.

IS

- Low-brow analysis of articles and books females consume in order to Get. The. Guy.

- Catalogue of ways I make a tit of myself through the medium of dating

AIN’T

 - Means by which to virtually grab hold of a man’s testes and ram them firmly up his left nostril, via the colon

So listen up, boys, ‘cause I’m only going to say this once…

I like you.

I like your shoulders.

I like the way you smell.

I like that you can strike big, important business deals but you can’t remember not to scratch your bollocks in public

WHEN ONLY THE BEST WILL DO FOR YOUR BOLLOCKS

I like that you don’t count calories.

I like that you’re always up for a laugh.

Hell, I even like the way you look naked

I don’t pretend to understand you, but I like you.